I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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