Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
