2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
