headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
