I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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