My sheets look like a crime scene.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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