I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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