I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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