before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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