You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Randomize
