i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
