Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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