I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
