I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Dicks are not precious.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
