i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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