Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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