Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
