im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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