Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
