Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
