I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
