No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
