omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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