Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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