If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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