Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
being pregnant is like rehab
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
