if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
