I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
