There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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