when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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