Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
