Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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