found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
