i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
