I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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