Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
