is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
