When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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