I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
