I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
