chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
