watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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