Nicole vs. Life
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Semen is not good for contacts.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
