I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
