i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
