"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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