once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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