i already hear my dad disowning me
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
