NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
