Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
