I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
